Tuesday, March 29, 2016

12 Weeks Post Op

And the general update, mild low back pain this past couple days but thinking it's because of the bathroom project and doing a lot of leaning forward while cutting and laying the floor to fit.

I did some research as well as met with a Sports Medicine Chiropractor about the weight lifting. He said at the 12 week point he's ok with me upping the weights about 10% when I increase them. The research I was doing says generally that when the scar on the outside of the body turns white then the scars on the inside on the annulus will be as healed as they're going to be, too. Online recommendations say to stay with no more than 50 lbs with weight lifting until that point. So I'm going to play it safe and even though the sports med guy said it's safe now. I'm going to stick with more single leg lifts like the split squats on this current routine so I can lift that weight for longer and still build strength. 

This week I'm allowed to run a mile and a half. I broke it up last night into three half mile's taking a minute or two between. Tomorrow night I'll do a full mile and then Saturday a full mile and a half. I figure the middle run each week I'll do at the prior week's distance. As I increase distance I'll have to adjust for a short run mid week anyway. 

Awesome news, I got my swim suits in the mail today! I can put the faded one in the bottom of the bin and the stretched out one in the garbage. Hoping these two hold up well and if they do, I'll be buying from the same company online again. They fit great. Final test will be how well the straps hold up in the water. And I can't wait for the two bikini's I ordered to arrive for my vacation :). Here they are!

Monday, March 28, 2016

Bathroom Remodel

Busy weekend this past weekend!

I had two events to attend Saturday as well as my usual appointment with the gym. Got home and after putting the little man to bed decided to paint the walls. Then the next morning I had a friend help pick up my flooring and then before meeting family for Easter I put up the mirrors and lights.

Meeting family for Easter was at a buffet where I ate WAY more than I should. Healthy options mostly though! Then off to the store for a few things and back home I decided to work on the pattern for the flooring. Little guy was really helpful by stepping on the paper I was trying to tape together for my pattern :). Got it downstairs and taped it to the sheet vinyl I'd purchased. Cut it to the pattern and then got my little dude down for bed. Once he was sleeping, put the floor in. Not nearly as hard as tile. About as easy as carpet with backing already attached. Lots of clean up left to do and the toilet is still in my garage... Also need to do the baseboards yet so that'll be next weekend if all goes as planned. Then maybe I can get caught up on cleaning my house!

Here's the before, when I decided I had to take a sledgehammer to the damn custom shower that I couldn't stand...

And here's a couple after:



I started the tempo swim training in the gym today. Six weeks without a mile time to check is going to be hard! Well, I did a mile, but with the tempo training it's 1.5 laps breast stroke, half lap back all out front crawl. I was making it to the other side of the pool consistently in 20 seconds or so. I'll up the front crawl as my lungs and strength accommodate the all out pace I'm doing. That'll be every Monday. Wednesday is water aerobics and Friday is the next tempo day though I'll be mixing it up a little. Half lap breast stroke, half lap front crawl for form- so a slower pace. Then half lap breast stroke and half lap all out front crawl. I don't want to decrease my stroke length or sacrifice form for more strokes per second. 

Friday, March 25, 2016

San Diego!

I've got my trip booked, going to San Diego for an extremely reasonable price in a few weeks! Can't wait! I've been wanting to go for at least 5 years. Planned with people and it always fell through. Well, I'm going! Me and my little guy are going to see the ocean and have a relaxing few days away from home.

I know I have other things I should be spending my money on. Or saving it. I've kind of come to realize every time I get caught up something else happens or there's another project. So, all future projects are on hold and I'm going to take my trip! And after my trip I'll worry about the financial repercussions. I can afford it but I don't like having debt. And I don't have a credit card so this is all being bankrolled by yours truly. I really should get a credit card for the trip though. Just in case I need one for rentals or other things. I don't want much of a limit. My current credit cards are store cards and gas cards with the gas card having the highest balance I'm sure. They all get paid off monthly but this month, I'm thinking it'll be a minimum payment month so I have extra cash for the trip. Only big debts I have is my house and a consolidation loan and I know I can get caught up on the rest of the cards pretty quickly if I don't take on any more large household projects and my car doesn't break down again!

In preparation for this trip I'll be switching to a fairly strict Paleo eating plan. I've always cheated with an ounce of cheese on my salads and that wont change. I'd really like to be as fit as I'm able if I'm going to be wearing a bikini for 3 days. My workout is also changing. I was supposed to switch next Tuesday but now that I have the new plan I'm too excited to wait and I'm switching tomorrow to my new plan.

New Plan:
3 days per week
Super Set 1: Side Lunges and Bulgarian split squats 3 sets 8 reps
Super Set 2: Incline press and Upright Rows 3 sets 8 reps
Super Set 3: Pull ups and Dips on the assist machine with 40 lbs assist 3 sets 6 reps.

Then off to the Kettlebell for 5 min of Get-ups. Then three ladders 5-4-3-2-1 of KB snatches. Because that's what my rant was all about the other day :).

Swimming x3 days per week. Monday and Friday tempo swims and Wednesday an easy swim or water aerobics.

Monday and Thursday after work running. Wednesday after work Pole Dance Party! And Friday after work Boxing. And one last run on Saturday.

Sunday and Wednesday are my "rest" days. Technically Tuesday evening till Wednesday evening is rest other than the super easy swim. And my Sunday will include Total Yoga by Gaiam.

Thursday, March 24, 2016

The Snatch

This post, all about my old friend the kettlebell. A bit of back history, a girl I had in classes has a husband who is a personal trainer. I demonstrated KB swings, snatches, cleans and presses, TGU’s, and stuff a while back. Apparently her hubby (who has never as far as I understand picked up a KB) feels that kettlebells are dangerous, particularly the snatch because of the “risk” of hyperextension.
So, here I am to say that a kettlebell snatch is safe and quite unlikely to cause hyperextension. In fact, in my half hour internet search I couldn’t find one documented (or even commented in passing) case of hyperextension of the shoulder with a snatch. My classmates husband decided he didn’t like them because of a description she gave of the KB snatch. A mere description of an exercise is really not a good way to decide safety. As a former physical therapist assistant myself, I’m a tad disappointed that a person would decide KB snatches are unsafe without any research of a quite well versed exercise. The KB snatch has been around for centuries. I think it’s going on it’s three hundredth year. If they were so very unsafe, I think by now we’d have a quite a bit of evidence to prove that.
Why is a snatch safe? Well, any exercise can be unsafe, just use weight that’s too heavy for you to control (like a guy who did an overhead press with a barbell, dropped it on himself and snapped his upper arm in half). The kettlebell snatch doesn’t  pose much risk of breaking the humerus in the arm. If a person can’t control the bell, the best thing to do is let go of the handle. Unlike other weights, because of the swinging motion, it’s unlikely to drop down onto your arm if you let go. 
In fact, I accidentally let go once and it flew about 8 ft then bounced off a wall and landed on my tiled floor. Being made of iron, yes it did break the tile. But I was unhurt :). 
With the snatch, if the arm were to start to hyperextend letting go is option one. But the chance of hyperextension is nearly non existent in my mind. First of all, when swinging the bell up to snatch it, there is a slight bend in the elbow at the top of the arc. Hard to hyperextend the shoulder when the upper arm is not more than perpendicular to the body. That’s only 90 degree’s of 180 degrees of normal extension. Once the upper arm is about perpendicular to the body, instead of continuing the swing, the arm shoots upward as if punching toward the ceiling. Again hard to hyperextend when the arm is shooting upward and not arcing backward.
So, in closing, the kettlebell snatch doesn’t pose much (if any) risk of hyperextension. So, snatch away :)

Wednesday, March 23, 2016

Snowing Again

So I live in Wisconsin. Which means one day it's 60 degrees and the next we're having a blizzard. Yay!

What that really means for me is that the schools will probably be closed in my area which means no childcare at the gym. What to do with the little person? I'll be working out at home I'm sure. I have all I need to do my full workout at home. Just takes longer because the lil man gets underfoot and wants to play. He has his own area in the basement but he wants to play with me and lift weights with me and hit the boxing bag with me too.

Which on another note, I ordered kid boxing gloves for my lil guy and a blow up boxing bag. It should be here in about another week and then he can box with me and hopefully wont be so bored during my workouts. Working out with him when he was smaller was easy. Just toss him in his play area and he'd happily play alone. Now though, he's at the age he wants someone to be playing with him. I'll give him tons of attention before hand and hope I can get my workout done in an hour and a half.

I'm considering at week 12 to also switch to a mostly paleo eating plan. The food in my house is basically this anyway so it wont be too much of a change. I'll miss my occasional donut and my tortilla chips. My "cheat" will be one ounce of cheese a day just like last time. And last time I never cut the Diet Pepsi. This time, that will be gone too. I was an addict, seriously. The Diet Pepsi was at 3 Liters a day at one point. At the end of last year even it was still close to 2 liters a day. Now I have one soda a day but not even every day anymore. It's time to cut it completely except for family gatherings and going out to dinner.

Hoping for a good drive home tonight in the foot of snow!

Tuesday, March 22, 2016

11 Weeks Today

And 11 weeks means I'm allowed to run a mile now! So after midnight last night I did a mile.


My time, for my first post surgical mile and first mile I've done since September of 2015, was 13:04. Hard to see, since I was at home and it was late and I have very poor lighting in my living room. I used to run a mile in about 9 minutes pushing a stroller before the pain got too bad. I'm really hoping to be able to cut my mile time down to about 8 minutes or better. If my running is anything like the swimming, I'll be killing my previous records soon enough. 

My next run will be the Bellin 10k. I'll be allowed to run 6 miles at once just before that since I'm increasing my runs by half a mile per week as advised by my doctor. It was hard waiting this long to run a full mile but I know my long term health is more important. 

General how I feel update. At 11 weeks I'd barely know I had surgery. I feel great. My hips are nearly even in strength with the step ups to the point that the difference is barely noticeable. My flexibility is improving slowly. Before stretching would do the opposite, it would irritate nerves and make me tighter. I'm working on getting the right as flexible as my left but still both need a lot of work to be where I used to be. My hamstrings are still pretty tight generally. Weight lifting is going well, still at 20 lb dumb bells this week. Once I can go up to the 25 lbs next week my legs might be able to feel it a bit better. Just doing the high reps with the low weights till I get there. There is still some mild pulling with stretching at the incision site. After the initial pulling I can do the yoga as they're meant to be done. The incision sometimes itches. The other muscle imbalance I had was the paraspinal muscles along the right side. Though with some of the exercises I do they become sore, they are no more sore than the muscles along the left side. So, I'd have to say they have evened out in strength! I couldn't be happier about having done my surgery. There is no lingering leg issues. The hip pain is gone. There is occasional mild low back pain more often depending on sitting too long and leaning forward at my desk than any of the activities I've been doing. No regrets!

Another swimming PR!



From ONLY a week ago I've cut 3:04 minutes from my previous personal record. That is over three minutes!!! In one week! Super crazy excited about that. I checked my laps repeatedly to make sure I didn't double click and it all checks out. Best lap was a mere 58 seconds for 1/33 of a mile. This will be my last PR for a while. The following six week program that I start next week will be working more on speed drills and form. I have no idea how I did that well compared to the following week. The stars must have been perfectly aligned. And I was quite happy that morning despite only 5 hours of sleep the night before. I completely shocked myself. I'm still having trouble believing it, but yep, I did it :).

I had my nieces over the weekend. Two awesome girls who I don't get to see as much as I'd like. The older one may have been a little bored since there's an 8 year age gap. Hard to find something all three are interested in doing. We went to feed the ducks at the wildlife reserve near me and then wandered through the learning area of the sanctuary. None of them would go down the slide :(. With a possible change in my shift at work hopefully I will be seeing them more. I'd really like to be more involved with them. And I'm hoping I can take them for a long weekend this summer sometime. Get them all some time away and my sister and her husband can hopefully celebrate her upcoming graduation from the nursing program.

Congrats Sister and Brother in Law on your ten years of marriage! Remember the first 4 decades are the hardest...

Thursday, March 17, 2016

Rolling Like a Ball!

Today I was at the gym doing my ending yoga and Pilates stuff and one of the things I used to do is the move where you roll like a ball. I was having lots of trouble doing this because of the pulling in the scar tissue. Today I could do it! No pulling!

Just the little things :).

And I must find a new weight lifting routine soon. It's been crazy busy at work these past two weeks but I was really hoping to flip through some of my old books (like New Rules of Lifting) to get some routine ideas while at work.

More exciting things, after the gym I took up the rest of the floor in the bathroom. The bathroom is going to be skim coated tomorrow and hopefully I can paint this weekend after the little is in bed. The new floor is ordered and hopefully that will come in soon. Can't wait till it's finished!


Tuesday, March 15, 2016

10 Weeks Today!

Surgery was ten weeks ago at about 11 am. It's so hard to believe that this is me from who I was ten weeks ago! Things are amazing still. Well, of course they are, I can walk again without pain :).

Since week nine only big change, I am allowed to run again. Half mile this week and I can up that by a half mile a week. I did my first half mile last night after work. I tried at 5.0 mph and I was shocked I couldn't do it. Why I was surprised, no idea. I guess just because everything else is going so well I thought I would just fall right back into running. I bumped it down to a 4.6 mph pace at the 1 incline. That I could do. Finished up my half mile with barely a sweat despite the perceived difficulty level. I'll be running a half mile again on Wednesday and Thursday this week.

At the gym I'm up to 20 lb dumb bells as of today. I feel slightly less wimpy now that I can at least squat a total of 40 lbs. But still...

Yesterday also more good things. I was planning on an easy swim since I was working on tearing up my bathroom floor and had some help taking down the rest of the glue over the weekend. The floor is not done, but what I did was hard work anyway. So yesterday was going to be just a relaxing swim. By lap ten of my mile swim I saw that my time was actually pretty decent so figured I'd go for it for my last 23 laps. And I killed my last PR by 29 seconds! Even though for the first ten laps I wasn't even trying :).

I'm really happy with how I feel physically. Emotionally since surgery I am so much happier. Just life seems good again. I wish I would have done this years ago rather than waiting as long as I did.

Now just for everything to align perfectly at work since one position was filled and one is still vacant. I'd just like to be on a general day shift eventually and that at least is looking like it might happen. As long as no one else retires or leaves!


Friday, March 11, 2016

Another Awesome Day

Last night when I got home from work I had too much energy. So I turned on Pandora and got into my short shorts and a tank top and the no show socks (because you need the top of your feet free of sock). And I rocked out dancing with my pole for a good 40 minutes. It was awesome! And I do have bruises on the tops of my feet from gripping the pole. They don't hurt though :). Really working on the tucks because I'd really like to be able to do my first invert end of this month or beginning of next. But OMG do the muscles by my ribs and shoulders hurt! And my abs! From keeping my body horizontal to the ground I'm sure with all those tucks. By the time I turned off the Pandora, I'd already meet my activity goal for the day too. Quick rinse and off to bed feeling pretty awesome.

And then this morning, a nice slow swim. Monday I'll try to beat my record and hopefully even come in at under 38 minutes for a mile. But Fridays, just slow and steady with lots of breast stroke today. The water was perfect until the end of my swim when some guy jumps in to share my lane and starts talking to me while wearing BOXER BRIEFS as swim trunks! Dude... No. I told him I was done so he could have the full lane and finished my stretches, then he asked to race me doing laps. Seriously. I'm not sure if he was drunk or high or what, but he was not right in the head. Or maybe he was attempting to flirt and I just thought he was being creepy. Or maybe he is creepy because boxer briefs in the pool...

With the soreness tonight I'll go home and just finish up putting the laundry away and the other usual nighttime stuff before bed. When I wake up tomorrow it's another morning at the gym with my 15 lb dumbbells. Next week I can up to 20, for a total of 40 lbs! My legs will finally be able to feel the workout maybe at 40 lbs.

Meeting with my family tomorrow late afternoon for my nieces dance recital. Then hoping for a quick bite to eat with them before heading home and getting to the exciting task of finishing my glue removal. Getting there.

Hoping for a beautiful weekend for all of us! See you next week :).


Wednesday, March 9, 2016

9 Weeks Yesterday!

It was a super busy night at work but I really wanted to post on the week marks. Yesterday was week nine since my microdiscectomy at level L5-S1. It's been 5 weeks since I've been back to work and 3 weeks back in the gym.

How are things going? Work, well I'm already sick of being back! I love my job though, truly. I have an amazing job and work with great people. Really can't ask for more. Except maybe for everyone to NOT get sick at the same time. Space it out people!

And in the gym, things are going fantastic! I'm swimming a mile a couple days a week and the water aerobics on Wednesday. On Wednesday I do a ton of leg stuff in the water to help balance my hip strength. My right hip was significantly weaker when I first started out in the gym. Today, I have no more pain in my gluteus while working out or after and the muscle fatigue sets in about 80% of the way through the workout in the right hip and thigh rather than at the beginning of my workout. My right is still weaker, however it's probably close to 80% strength of my left hip and thigh now.

The weight lifting, I'm lifting my 15 lb dumbells (total of 30 lbs) yet this week. Doing lots of step ups as well after my weight lifting routine below, copied from my earlier post when I returned to blogging :)

For this first 6 weeks, Super set 1: wide squats, narrow squats, and deadlifts. 
Super set 2: Bench press and chest fly's. 
Super set 3: Split squat, shoulder press, and overhead tricep extension (with just one dumb bell for that last one). All at 15 reps of two sets. 
Then of course the pull up/dip station (changed to a 55 lb assist from 70)
 After that over to the stepper and doing boring boring step ups forward, backward, lateral. 
Those are also all 2 sets of 15 reps. 

My routine as above is going for this week and an additional two weeks after that. Week 12 I'll probably steal a routine from New Rules of Lifting (the men's version). Next week I'm very excited about something. I GET TO RUN AGAIN!!!! So my plan is to add in a half mile of running on Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday. I start an hour later at work those days so it'll be easier to run with the extra time. 

I really can't wait to start running again and registration just opened for my first half that I'm doing in September. I need to register for that as well as for my 10k in June. It really is awesome to have my body back. I had it taken away for so long with the pain and now, just the absolute joy I feel waking up in the morning, it's pretty great. 

Monday, March 7, 2016

Another Weekend Gone

But not wasted!

My kitchen chairs arrived Thursday so Friday when I got home from work I finished assembling them. So nice to have actual kitchen chairs since I sawed off the legs of a table to make it short enough for my kitchen (it was the counter height previously). And I only bought that table to get the chairs they refused to sell without the table. So it was a craft table until I hated my kitchen table and gave it away because I couldn't look at it for one more moment. Then I had no table and no chairs in my kitchen. Some days are like that, I just dislike something and one day I wake up and decide I'm done. Irrevocably. And that glass topped table, I hated that thing. And the awful custom tile shower I sledgehammered. Couldn't do one more day.

One of my friends came and kept me company Saturday night while I removed glue from my bathroom walls. I managed to only have 5 steam burns from the steamer. Calling that a win! And came off much better than with the chemical remover. I have about four hours of wallpaper glue removal left I think. It's a boring process and wish I had more friends to hang with while I did the rest. My little guy helped by watching and sitting on the step ladder ;). He's too cute! Overall, about 6 hours Saturday night, another 4 hours on Sunday. Getting there! Next weekend finishing that and ripping up the floor. Big plans!

And made it to the gym Saturday for an amazing workout. After the workout I brought Lil Man into the pool with me. He had a great time splashing and playing and jumping off the edge and into my arms. No one else was in there so we weren't disturbing any lap swimmers :). Visited my aunt as well and even managed to clean my car.

Sunday had my dad and daughter over for dinner. Cajun chicken linguni. No where near as good as what they serve at Red Lobster, but it'll do :). Lil Man loved playing with Big Sister, he was waiting for her to get done with work all day long. Dad fixed the J channels for the mirrors in the bathroom before dinner too. So much to do yet in there... Then finally everyone left at almost 11pm and I was able to take MY first bath in the bathtub! Very enjoyable!



This morning I did a mile in the pool, it was very busy. Two per lane and when doing the side stroke and breast stroke sometimes the person on the inside of the lane, their foot goes under the line and onto the other side. Really happens ALL THE TIME. I've been kicked more times than I can count. It happens in a small lap pool like that. Today, I was doing the side stroke facing away from the center line. The guy on the other side was a really quiet swimmer and with the side stroke, I couldn't see him. I ended up kicking him 3 times. At the end of the lane when we were both there I apologized, because well, crap happens but still nice to say sorry. And he goes into this tirade of how I should be more careful and that I could kick someone in the head and that he knows it's not his fault because he was on his side of the line and that I kicked him 5 times (It was 3!) and I need to have more control of my swimming... 

Jerk, I said sorry. Move on. And yeah, predominantly my fault because I did kick him. But I am NOT an uncontrolled swimmer! When I hear someone close (or see them if I can see them), I minimize my kick until we pass, that minimizing is restrictive and less controlled. And when someone is doing the breast stroke on the other side of the line and I'm swimming, I watch for them too. He clearly was not making any effort to avoid being kicked. Can't see you, quiet swimmer so can't hear you... So, yeah. And I was making a ton of effort to attempt to avoid him. In all the miles of swimming I've done he's the only person I've kicked more than once and I very VERY rarely kick anyone. I'm more often kicked than the one kicking people. He was new to the pool, well I haven't seen him before anyway. But I can guarantee that if he doesn't also make an effort to avoid being kicked, he's going to get kicked by more than just me :). And I'll feel vindicated!

No dating life to update. Thinking if I don't accidentally meet someone at Menards in the next few months, maybe after my half marathon and Tough Mudder in September and October, and hopefully a trip to Florida or San Diego in October, then when that's all done, I might consider re-opening a dating profile. Maybe. Or maybe not. I really don't want to do random dating. I want to like someone and have it just happen. But well, where would I meet someone? Wait around in the veggie area at the store for a guy carrying a basket instead of pushing a cart? Has to be veggies, want a healthy guy. Basket implies single. Or ask a guy at Menards to help fix something? You'd think a guy fixing his own place would at least be generally stable. Eh, someday... 

Thursday, March 3, 2016

In My Own Head

Just some random thoughts tonight, I swim about 3 times a week for about a mile. That ends up being about two and a half hours a week with basically no noise. I don't have the sweet headphones for underwater and really kind of like the silence. Silence is divine some days.

While swimming I've decided I'm not nuts ;). If I can spend that long every week inside my own head without distractions I'm either perfectly sane or too crazy to know it. I'm leaning toward sane since nothing else in my life is particularly crazy.

When I clean at home I should not listen to music either. I ended up dancing with my broom for an hour the other night... and the floor did NOT get swept! Then I realized I had spent an hour dancing with a broom. Maybe that puts me in the crazy category? Or not. Maybe everyone dances with their broom?

And when at the gym, they always have music. And sometimes my song comes on and I want to dance. Which is Not Cool in the gym anyway. I do love to dance :). Maybe my son will love to dance, my daughter doesn't. I should add dancing to my criteria for my future possible boyfriend. Dancing should almost be a dealbreaker. However at the gym, it is frowned upon to dump the weights and start jamming out.

And today my son had his first bath at home!!!! You may remember my previous post about showering my son because we had no bathtub? Well, now we have a bathtub and he loved it! I can't wait for my turn :). With a book, a wine cooler, and candles.




Ok, think that's all my random thoughts for tonight. It's been a crazy busy night at work, took me all night to write this, but it's a good day. I might do some dancing when I get home yet, work on my vertical barre routine (to be pc apparently that's how you're supposed to say pole dance fitness). 

Have a good night world!

Tuesday, March 1, 2016

You're Stronger Than You Think You Are

I was talking to a patient last night at work who is in a domestic situation. Verbal and emotional abuse, manipulation. And cheating. He's classic, tells her she should be grateful. I've heard those same things myself. He's not violent physically so she's not seeing it for what it is, abuse.

She was having trouble talking about what's going on at home, trying to justify his actions. She's a smart girl, putting herself through college. Had her first young like I did. I saw too much of myself in her. And I'm sure she feels stuck having 3 kids (two older and one toddler) to take care of, the youngest being his. I could practically see it. I shared briefly my situation and she opened up a ton more about hers. I can see her reluctance to leave. She's in the cycle and she can't see clearly yet. I think this one will, I think she'll get out. I just wish it was ethical to just hug a patient and tell her she can do this and she's stronger than she thinks she is. Well, I did tell her that part. And told her abuse isn't always physical. And just because it's not as bad as someone else's situation doesn't make what he's doing ok either.

Women in the cycle of abuse have tons of ways to justify. He's not always like that. He's having a bad day. He's not as bad as my friend/sister/random strangers husband. The kids need him. There's a million excuses to stay.

I have good family support, but they can only do so much. And most of us lie to our families for so long to make it not seem so bad. Leaving an abusive situation takes more strength and determination than most people realize. And I left it when I was barely able to walk. And the first time I left him he seemed like he got his life together and I took him back. I hadn't fully broken free from the cycle. I see that now. And this girl hasn't either. She is strong, and she is smart, and seems pretty damn amazing if you ask me in the brief time I was able to spend with her. She realizes the relationship is not good. I knew mine was toxic. I feel very hopeful for her.

As I was leaving her room she said "You seem so strong". I told her that I wasn't strong because I want to be, but because I have to be.

I spent years with an emotionally absent husband in a sexless marriage then spent a couple more with a controlling, manipulative narcissist. I've only over the last two years really learned what healthy relationships are and are not thanks to a great awesome group of ladies online. I actually thought my emotionally absent husband and I had a good marriage... Maybe you ladies read my blog, maybe you don't, but thank you all so much. You have no idea how much even just reading helped me. And I hope that as I meet patients in a situation like I was in I can give them the same encouragement and hope for a good future that I now have. I am happy with my life and I just want the same for these girls (and guys as well) who have yet to break free.