Tuesday, April 26, 2016

Being a Parent

This past Friday I was home with my son. A cute 2 1/2 year old little boy. It was my spring cleaning day and I was cleaning the spare room. The room my sons dad used to use when he lived with us.

My lil guy was in there with me and found something his dad had left behind and said "this is daddy's". He wanted to keep it so since it was breakable we hung it from a nail in his wall in his room. After we hung it up  he started crying and asked when he was going to see his daddy. It was completely heartbreaking. I didn't have an answer for him. The only thing I can tell him is I don't know. Because I don't. I have no idea when his dad will decide that he feels an inclination to see his son.

After he started crying he wanted to go sit in the room that his dad used to stay in. So there we were on the bed in the spare room, my little guy still crying and me hugging him telling him it was ok and rubbing his tiny little back. He calmed down after a little bit and I asked him if he wanted to go play. He said he wanted his cars and he wanted to stay in the room. So I brought him his two cars and he wouldn't leave the room. He just sat there on the bed, still sad but no more tears, playing with his cars.

I've tried to get his dad to see him regularly. He refuses. He tells me I just need to "work with him". You can't work with someone who is basically completely absent. My son needs his dad no matter what kind of person his dad is. And I think it's horrible that all his dad sees is my son's excitement when he finally sees his dad and doesn't have to see the tears in between when he doesn't come around for months. The long gaps and the sudden visits are the most horrible thing his dad can do to him. His dad lives less than 40 min from us and I'd be more than willing to bring him one way or even both just so my son could be happy. But his dad needs to "get his life together" he says and then he'll be ready to see his son. Parenting doesn't work that way. You're a parent whether your life is 100% perfect or 100% a mess or somewhere in between. You don't get to pick anymore.

Update on this post.
My lil guy sees his dad every other weekend now. From Friday till Sunday late afternoon. To get this agreement I waived child support. My son's wellbeing is more important than any dollar amount. Some days are rough, paying for all his expenses without assistance, but I'll manage. His dad is still difficult to work with but hopefully as this guy gets older he'll step up to bringing him to swimming lessons and sports practices and games. So far as long as I don't ask his dad to do anything other than spend time with him that he sometimes sleeps through, everything is fine. There's no bedtime there and structure sucks. I worry while they're together but my son no longer cries because Daddy didn't show up. It's about as much progress as can be made. 

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