Saturday, March 31, 2018

Putting Life Back Together

Breakups suck.

Yesterday I was officially "alone" in the house. He and his kids are moved out and it was just me and my little guy. Going from four kids running around to just one kid chilling out... it was a bit eerie. Too quiet. I've gotten used to the noise. I can actually sleep through all the kids attempting to murder each other ;). But now they're not here. Now he's not here. I've done this before but this time feels different. Two divorces. One relationship that was on and off before this one that was totally toxic. And one guy I loved but left because he was sacrificing his happiness for mine.

My first night missing half my family was spent having a sleepover with my lil man on the couches. Watching Ghost Busters (the old version) and eating candy till we passed out. Then this morning I had to get busy putting my life back together. Filling the empty spots in the house where their things were and attempting to close the spots in my heart where they all fit. It's not going to be easy to do the latter. The former is easier, less stuff in the kitchen and I can't reach the top shelf so move things down and I can at least open a cupboard without seeing the spaces they were. I know they're not "things" but it was their presence. And now there is this lack of their presence.

I knew this was coming but was hoping it wasn't. I found things had been hidden from me and he couldn't get over a picture behind a picture on the wall. I lost trust when finding out those two things. But then I found out my dog has cancer and one of my very close friends passed very young. So those two things I found out within days of each other had to wait till I processed the more traumatic things. I was hoping we could find a way to rebuild the trust he broke. I was hoping he was willing to do that. I would have given him yet another chance. And for a moment he said what could he do to rebuild trust. Then he was just done. Days went by. Then weeks. Then he said he wished I'd never found out and we would have been just fine which damaged trust further. He never planned to tell me. I felt more and more like two separate families living under one roof. That wasn't okay with me. We were supposed to be making this our family. I had plans before I met him for my future. Then I met him and his family and made plans for our future while he was still just planning his as he said.

My needs weren't being met for stability and emotional security in a relationship. His needs weren't being met either I'm sure. We couldn't talk about expectations and I needed to. I think it's healthy to talk about that. One person can say this is what I need and expect. The next says I can do these things but not those. Then the first person decides whether they can alter their expectations or not and continues or bails. I stated my expectations. I wanted someone who would be part of my family. Someone who would decorate Christmas trees with me. It didn't happen and I didn't "retaliate". I wouldn't do something he asked, said it made me feel controlled and if I did it I'd end up resentful. So then he refused to do something to get back at me. I get done at a standard time and his shifts vary in length day to day. Which meant I never knew when he'd get home. So I couldn't plan our evenings together, couldn't plan dinner, and then there was no choice but to continue my night hoping he would be in a good mood coming home. It wasn't healthy

Despite that there were so many good things. The weekends when we would all be here together doing things with the kids. Them laughing and playing together. He and I sitting together, talking about all the things that were going on in the world. The comfort we felt just being together. The give and take in the kitchen. The companionship that came so easily. The physical contact, the hugs and touching throughout the day. And yes, the sex was amazing. I trusted him completely. And that really hurt when that broke. We enjoyed enough of the same things and had enough differences to work well together. We were great with the kids as a family and we were great with just the two of us when they were with their opposite parents. We took naps on our free weekends. He zoned out watching You Tube while I played Candy Crush next to him. It was easy. We were easy.

Now that's all gone. And I'm left putting my life back together.

Saturday, March 24, 2018

My Rules for Sex and Dating

After nearly two years, I'm back!

I've spent 6 years in and out of two relationship. We got together, he broke up with me. I forgave and accepted him back. Took time off. Repeated that process of break ups and reunification with another relationship. I've learned from this and from the history of the relationship before it. Hopefully this will help me to have healthier relationships in the future.

I've had some rules over the past years and I think they're important.

Sex Rules:

Rule 1- NEVER sleep with someone if you don't know their last name.
Rule 2- NEVER sleep with someone your friends have dated or are dating/married to.
Rule 3- NEVER sleep with someone that is friends with your ex.

Those are the firm three.

Rule 4- Know someone for three months before sex.
Rule 5- If you can't talk about birth control and STD's, no banging allowed.

Those are more gray. Sometimes you really connect with someone, like my last partner. And it was closer to 6 weeks. But without a three month rule maybe I'd only make three days. Haha. And birth control, I was on it so we didn't talk about it but the STD rule, definitely. I didn't get this far in life to pick up something now. You need to know so you can make the necessary precautions and choices.

Dating Rules:

Rule 1- if you text/call/contact 3 times with no response in the early dating phase without a response, take the hint and walk away. And if he texts you days later, he's not worth your time. The other woman he was texting probably fell thru so now he's back to you.
Same goes if you're the only one initiating conversation in early dating. Take that as his way of not showing interest but being to nice to just ghost you.
Rule 2- if he ghosts you don't waste your time when months later when he finally sends a random hook up text. Block and move on.
Rule 3- Your interests don't have to line up perfect but your morals and general long term goals should. If they don't, save yourself the heartache and move on.
Rule 4- If he says he's deleting his online profile for you and you find out he's active on two more sites, block that guy and walk away. You deserve better!

Firm Dating rules:
Rule 1- First sign of physical abuse, RUN.
Rule 2- First sign of emotional abuse or manipulation, run.
Rule 3- If he's not nice to you then wants to pretend everything is great and gets mad if you call him out on being rude or mean to you, run.

Rules I'm adding to my dating life:

Rule 5- if he breaks up with you for ANY reason (like he uses his zodiac sign as a reason you are not compatible) don't take him back. Don't take any man back. It just teaches them they can treat you however they like and they'll still have someone to fall back on. Don't be their back up plan.
Rule 6- Break up immediately if someone withhold serious life information. Like if after months or years he says, "hey babe forgot to tell you about a whole 'nother family". RUN. "Oops, forgot to mention I'm married". RUN. Just run. It's one thing to be like hey forgot to mention my ex and I went to this location you want to go to for vacation because I didn't want to hurt your feelings versus withholding information about his family circumstances, criminal history, and serious life events. If he said he was only married once and you find out it was twice... Run then too. That's a serious breach of ethics.

With all that said and done for now, it'll be a long while before I date again. I need to get my house in order to sell and move closer to where my family is. That's my priority. I took quite some time off dating before this relationship too and it's time to do that again. So no, I'm not free market material here. I'm not interested in casual sex. And I have no desire to start any relationship anytime soon.