Putting Life Back Together

Breakups suck.

Yesterday I was officially "alone" in the house. He and his kids are moved out and it was just me and my little guy. Going from four kids running around to just one kid chilling out... it was a bit eerie. Too quiet. I've gotten used to the noise. I can actually sleep through all the kids attempting to murder each other ;). But now they're not here. Now he's not here. I've done this before but this time feels different. Two divorces. One relationship that was on and off before this one that was totally toxic. And one guy I loved but left because he was sacrificing his happiness for mine.

My first night missing half my family was spent having a sleepover with my lil man on the couches. Watching Ghost Busters (the old version) and eating candy till we passed out. Then this morning I had to get busy putting my life back together. Filling the empty spots in the house where their things were and attempting to close the spots in my heart where they all fit. It's not going to be easy to do the latter. The former is easier, less stuff in the kitchen and I can't reach the top shelf so move things down and I can at least open a cupboard without seeing the spaces they were. I know they're not "things" but it was their presence. And now there is this lack of their presence.

I knew this was coming but was hoping it wasn't. I found things had been hidden from me and he couldn't get over a picture behind a picture on the wall. I lost trust when finding out those two things. But then I found out my dog has cancer and one of my very close friends passed very young. So those two things I found out within days of each other had to wait till I processed the more traumatic things. I was hoping we could find a way to rebuild the trust he broke. I was hoping he was willing to do that. I would have given him yet another chance. And for a moment he said what could he do to rebuild trust. Then he was just done. Days went by. Then weeks. Then he said he wished I'd never found out and we would have been just fine which damaged trust further. He never planned to tell me. I felt more and more like two separate families living under one roof. That wasn't okay with me. We were supposed to be making this our family. I had plans before I met him for my future. Then I met him and his family and made plans for our future while he was still just planning his as he said.

My needs weren't being met for stability and emotional security in a relationship. His needs weren't being met either I'm sure. We couldn't talk about expectations and I needed to. I think it's healthy to talk about that. One person can say this is what I need and expect. The next says I can do these things but not those. Then the first person decides whether they can alter their expectations or not and continues or bails. I stated my expectations. I wanted someone who would be part of my family. Someone who would decorate Christmas trees with me. It didn't happen and I didn't "retaliate". I wouldn't do something he asked, said it made me feel controlled and if I did it I'd end up resentful. So then he refused to do something to get back at me. I get done at a standard time and his shifts vary in length day to day. Which meant I never knew when he'd get home. So I couldn't plan our evenings together, couldn't plan dinner, and then there was no choice but to continue my night hoping he would be in a good mood coming home. It wasn't healthy

Despite that there were so many good things. The weekends when we would all be here together doing things with the kids. Them laughing and playing together. He and I sitting together, talking about all the things that were going on in the world. The comfort we felt just being together. The give and take in the kitchen. The companionship that came so easily. The physical contact, the hugs and touching throughout the day. And yes, the sex was amazing. I trusted him completely. And that really hurt when that broke. We enjoyed enough of the same things and had enough differences to work well together. We were great with the kids as a family and we were great with just the two of us when they were with their opposite parents. We took naps on our free weekends. He zoned out watching You Tube while I played Candy Crush next to him. It was easy. We were easy.

Now that's all gone. And I'm left putting my life back together.

My Rules for Sex and Dating

After nearly two years, I'm back!

I've spent 6 years in and out of two relationship. We got together, he broke up with me. I forgave and accepted him back. Took time off. Repeated that process of break ups and reunification with another relationship. I've learned from this and from the history of the relationship before it. Hopefully this will help me to have healthier relationships in the future.

I've had some rules over the past years and I think they're important.

Sex Rules:

Rule 1- NEVER sleep with someone if you don't know their last name.
Rule 2- NEVER sleep with someone your friends have dated or are dating/married to.
Rule 3- NEVER sleep with someone that is friends with your ex.

Those are the firm three.

Rule 4- Know someone for three months before sex.
Rule 5- If you can't talk about birth control and STD's, no banging allowed.

Those are more gray. Sometimes you really connect with someone, like my last partner. And it was closer to 6 weeks. But without a three month rule maybe I'd only make three days. Haha. And birth control, I was on it so we didn't talk about it but the STD rule, definitely. I didn't get this far in life to pick up something now. You need to know so you can make the necessary precautions and choices.

Dating Rules:

Rule 1- if you text/call/contact 3 times with no response in the early dating phase without a response, take the hint and walk away. And if he texts you days later, he's not worth your time. The other woman he was texting probably fell thru so now he's back to you.
Same goes if you're the only one initiating conversation in early dating. Take that as his way of not showing interest but being to nice to just ghost you.
Rule 2- if he ghosts you don't waste your time when months later when he finally sends a random hook up text. Block and move on.
Rule 3- Your interests don't have to line up perfect but your morals and general long term goals should. If they don't, save yourself the heartache and move on.
Rule 4- If he says he's deleting his online profile for you and you find out he's active on two more sites, block that guy and walk away. You deserve better!

Firm Dating rules:
Rule 1- First sign of physical abuse, RUN.
Rule 2- First sign of emotional abuse or manipulation, run.
Rule 3- If he's not nice to you then wants to pretend everything is great and gets mad if you call him out on being rude or mean to you, run.

Rules I'm adding to my dating life:

Rule 5- if he breaks up with you for ANY reason (like he uses his zodiac sign as a reason you are not compatible) don't take him back. Don't take any man back. It just teaches them they can treat you however they like and they'll still have someone to fall back on. Don't be their back up plan.
Rule 6- Break up immediately if someone withhold serious life information. Like if after months or years he says, "hey babe forgot to tell you about a whole 'nother family". RUN. "Oops, forgot to mention I'm married". RUN. Just run. It's one thing to be like hey forgot to mention my ex and I went to this location you want to go to for vacation because I didn't want to hurt your feelings versus withholding information about his family circumstances, criminal history, and serious life events. If he said he was only married once and you find out it was twice... Run then too. That's a serious breach of ethics.

With all that said and done for now, it'll be a long while before I date again. I need to get my house in order to sell and move closer to where my family is. That's my priority. I took quite some time off dating before this relationship too and it's time to do that again. So no, I'm not free market material here. I'm not interested in casual sex. And I have no desire to start any relationship anytime soon.

There's Beauty in Every Day

Sometimes it's just hard to see it. Most of us are overworked, over stressed, and over tired. Some of us are dealing with extremely stressful situations; the loss of a family member, chronic pain, mental illness, financial insecurity... the list goes on. But regardless of how craptastic our lives sometimes get, there really is something beautiful to be seen every day.

Every day on my way to work I drive about an hour. Most days I can appreciate how beautiful the sky is and ignore all the factories and businesses lining the highway. Even at work, I sit here and see the bridge going over the river and the water rippling under it. Or just glancing up at night on my drive home (second shift) and seeing the stars and moon.

But I am very thankful that I have some really beautiful trails I can walk as well. Here's a couple recent pictures :).

 These first two are from the Fox River Trail. It's just an easy trail to run because it's so wide. Taking the large jogging stroller and the dog is easy when passing people.





And this one is from the East River Trail. I even got to see some people Kayaking along the river on this day. It was absolutely beautiful out. I ran four miles on the first trail, and three miles on this one. Just perfect days this past week!





I know sometimes it's difficult to find anything good in a day. Sometimes the world seems dark and horrible and sad. And sometimes it doesn't always seem worth getting out of bed in the morning, but I promise it is. Six months ago it was really really hard for me to see anything good in any day yet every day I actively tried to find something happy and beautiful. Well, I see my awesome kids and they're beautiful but something outside my own life. And looking outside our own lives to find something that shines a little bit to you really helps keep this whole thing we're doing in perspective.

Life Plans? Haha

Is there ever really a plan? I'm not so sure.

I have plans. I have plans to get in super awesome shape. I took a little over a week off with the vacation and a really excessive amount of yard work. Plan was back to it today but we had a parents group event that could NOT be missed! It was the Big Rig Gig in a city really close to us. Lil man got to "drive" semi's, a fire truck, dump truck, garbage truck, and even a police car! He had a great time climbing in and out of all the cool trucks. We missed going in the Humvee but he was way more interested in the semi's.

So tomorrow right? Back to the gym? But nope, I'm doing something way more important. Bringing my son to see his brother. I can't wait for them to have some time together! With their dad being basically absent they really don't see each other ever. It's good that my son's brother's mother wants to hang out with us too! 

Saturday night maybe. After little guy goes to bed, it's pole time for me. Put on the music and just dance. Especially now that my skin is feeling much better from last weekend! A bit burned on the belly, thighs, and chest. No peeling yet so I think I'm in the safe zone :). 

And I have plans to be financially ok. Which is sort of the case. I owe a private loan of a lot of money and a slight amount on my medical that would have been paid off first I didn't have my car break down twice in the last couple months and secondly I could have not gone on my very much needed vacation. 

And I have relationship goals. Well I've had relationship goals since I was 5. And that's probably the most significantly stressful part of life. There is one person in charge of my workout routine generally other than the small ways of activities getting in the way. There is really only one person in charge of my finances other than the unpredictable breakdowns on the car or random home repairs. But there is one thing you will never ever fully know, the mind and heart of another person. I want safety and security in a relationship. And hopefully that is how things will play out but really even after ten years with one person I thought would always be there, he left without warning. Everything can seem doable to you when the other person just wants to walk away because that's what's easier to them. I want what most people want. To wake up next to someone who loves you as much as you love them every single day. Someone who drives you nuts in all the right ways and puts up with your pet peeves and knows the little things that make you smile. Someday maybe. Until then, dating will suck and I'll keep planning my life around me.

Weekend Getaway!

This past weekend was Mothers Day weekend and I'd been having a pretty stressful time about a month ago dealing with an absent father for my son so I decided we'd take a trip away to escape Wisconsin for just a bit :).

We went to Carlsbad, California. We spent a day in San Diego at the zoo and we spent a ton of time sitting next to the ocean the rest of the time! Lil Man loved the sand and the waves. He kept running from them so they wouldn't touch his toes and get his feet wet. And he climbed on the rocks pretending to be a dinosaur and named one of the rocks Petrie for his favorite Land Before Time character.

The little guy was amazing the whole time. He cried twice, when he hurt his knee and when I made him eat the lunch he asked for :). Kids, they're funny sometimes. He has been the easiest traveling companion I've ever traveled with. I don't know that I've ever met such a laid back and easy going kid. And having only a two year old to talk to I was expecting to be really burned out by that by the time we flew back and I wasn't. Did help that I have some awesome friends who texted with me on Saturday! But truly he and I were so busy just enjoying the weekend I didn't have lots of time to text or chat with friends anyway.

This was probably the best weekend I've had in months if not years! I loved my trip in September with my parents but that was before surgery where everything still hurt. This is my first pain free vacation and just being able to fully enjoy it was more than I ever expected I'd be able to do again. I was able to chase my son on the beach and run through the waves with him. At the zoo I decided to forgo a stroller and carried him on my back and shoulders when he didn't want to walk. Things I couldn't have done before. Short months ago even when I was sleeping I was still aware of being in pain. And now this, it really just makes me realize how lucky I am to have a second chance to be alive basically. And I plan to continue to enjoy my life much more and see more of the world than I have before. And I'll see the world alone if I need to, I shall not be stopped!

Here's just a couple pics of us...

At the zoo

Just before Sunset

Pool Cleaning, Getting Ready for Summer

It's been kind of a nice week and I haven't been able to sleep in the mornings anyway so I figured I'd get a head start on cleaning the pool. It looks so pretty doesn't it! The chemicals mixing with the water made it turn a bit frothy. 

The cover is torn in so many places that it's pretty much useless so the process usually starts with scooping leaves out of the pool for about a week at least. Then adding chemicals. But it just smelled SO BAD! So I added the chemicals first and at least now it doesn't stink :). The chemicals I added I'll basically have to re-add anyway once the leaves are actually out. I usually start this a little later in May to have it opened up by the first week in June and I'm glad I started a little early. The algae isn't nearly as bad on the leaves as I'm scooping them out as it usually is. I'll be working on this thing tomorrow too. 

Thursday though, forget it! Only thing I'm doing Thursday before work is packing for my trip to San Diego! I can't wait! I'm absolutely thrilled to be going :). I wish I had someone going with me though. Next time :). The lack of adult conversation for four days is going to be rough. But the break from work and home is much needed! Last night was absolutely awful at work. I kind of never wanted to return... 

I haven't made it to the gym at all this week. It's been too nice outside to want to be indoors. I'll probably be taking off the rest of the week at the gym too and start back up once I'm back from San Diego. I'll start my new routine then since I'm kind of bored with this one already :(. I'll do a six day per week plan with three days indoors and three days outdoors with no set day each so it'll depend on the weather. One day will probably be swimming instead of three like I've been doing since week six post op unless my pool ever gets warm enough for me to swim in the back yard!

Long Week About to End!

This week has been super long it seems. I've been a bit overwhelmed and stressed about the situation with my son's dad. I missed the gym twice this week. And I just feel so tired. I'm eating fine and drinking a ton of water but I think the stress and uncertainty are taking their toll a bit more this week than usual.

I didn't do my 15 week post op post since I had something more important to say and probably wont do the weekly updates anymore since I'm pretty much feeling like I never had surgery for the past couple weeks. I feel amazing! Well, I am amazing if I do say so myself ;). And other than the weight limit there's nothing really to update and even that will be a long time before there's any change.

I'm looking into what to do for my following six weeks after I finish this program in two weeks. I'd kind of like to do some jump training. I feel like this six weeks should be done already! Not that I'm bored with it because how can one ever get bored of kettlebells? I like that part pretty much best. Just has been a few very busy and very emotionally difficult few weeks. Seeing Kara, personal relationship issues, and then the situation with my son's dad. The next six weeks better be much better than the last six weeks!

Nothing to exciting going on at home. Bathroom was the last big project and now I can relax for a bit before figuring out how much the next one will cost me. And thankfully that project is not inside my house! So it'll be a much cleaner project. Well, two projects; the gutters and then repairing the porch roof.

I'm hoping for a fun filled weekend with friends and a bit of family :).