Yesterday I was officially "alone" in the house. He and his kids are moved out and it was just me and my little guy. Going from four kids running around to just one kid chilling out... it was a bit eerie. Too quiet. I've gotten used to the noise. I can actually sleep through all the kids attempting to murder each other ;). But now they're not here. Now he's not here. I've done this before but this time feels different. Two divorces. One relationship that was on and off before this one that was totally toxic. And one guy I loved but left because he was sacrificing his happiness for mine.
My first night missing half my family was spent having a sleepover with my lil man on the couches. Watching Ghost Busters (the old version) and eating candy till we passed out. Then this morning I had to get busy putting my life back together. Filling the empty spots in the house where their things were and attempting to close the spots in my heart where they all fit. It's not going to be easy to do the latter. The former is easier, less stuff in the kitchen and I can't reach the top shelf so move things down and I can at least open a cupboard without seeing the spaces they were. I know they're not "things" but it was their presence. And now there is this lack of their presence.I knew this was coming but was hoping it wasn't. I found things had been hidden from me and he couldn't get over a picture behind a picture on the wall. I lost trust when finding out those two things. But then I found out my dog has cancer and one of my very close friends passed very young. So those two things I found out within days of each other had to wait till I processed the more traumatic things. I was hoping we could find a way to rebuild the trust he broke. I was hoping he was willing to do that. I would have given him yet another chance. And for a moment he said what could he do to rebuild trust. Then he was just done. Days went by. Then weeks. Then he said he wished I'd never found out and we would have been just fine which damaged trust further. He never planned to tell me. I felt more and more like two separate families living under one roof. That wasn't okay with me. We were supposed to be making this our family. I had plans before I met him for my future. Then I met him and his family and made plans for our future while he was still just planning his as he said.
My needs weren't being met for stability and emotional security in a relationship. His needs weren't being met either I'm sure. We couldn't talk about expectations and I needed to. I think it's healthy to talk about that. One person can say this is what I need and expect. The next says I can do these things but not those. Then the first person decides whether they can alter their expectations or not and continues or bails. I stated my expectations. I wanted someone who would be part of my family. Someone who would decorate Christmas trees with me. It didn't happen and I didn't "retaliate". I wouldn't do something he asked, said it made me feel controlled and if I did it I'd end up resentful. So then he refused to do something to get back at me. I get done at a standard time and his shifts vary in length day to day. Which meant I never knew when he'd get home. So I couldn't plan our evenings together, couldn't plan dinner, and then there was no choice but to continue my night hoping he would be in a good mood coming home. It wasn't healthy
Despite that there were so many good things. The weekends when we would all be here together doing things with the kids. Them laughing and playing together. He and I sitting together, talking about all the things that were going on in the world. The comfort we felt just being together. The give and take in the kitchen. The companionship that came so easily. The physical contact, the hugs and touching throughout the day. And yes, the sex was amazing. I trusted him completely. And that really hurt when that broke. We enjoyed enough of the same things and had enough differences to work well together. We were great with the kids as a family and we were great with just the two of us when they were with their opposite parents. We took naps on our free weekends. He zoned out watching You Tube while I played Candy Crush next to him. It was easy. We were easy.
Now that's all gone. And I'm left putting my life back together.
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