Living the Life!

If you live in Northeast Wisconsin, or well really anywhere in Wisconsin, you might just be homebound for the entire weekend. We get a ton of snow some years. We're all used to driving in this. So why are there so many cars in the ditch! We got a foot of snow at least today. And tonight we're supposed to get another foot to foot and a half of snow. My only hope for tomorrow is that whatever caused my snowblower to stop working today is better by tomorrow! I think the gearcase got too much ice around it. Hoping that's all it is because I don't want to replace that and wont be able to do it if I have a foot of snow in my driveway preventing me from getting to the hardware store. Before getting it going in the first place I had to fix the starter rope. It broke off the handle and apparently I'm the only person who knows how to fix it. I showed the little guy how so maybe by the time he's five he'll be fixing things for me.

With all the snow I wanted to go sledding but I was overruled by a four year old. We stayed in and watched Prince of Persia after the first round of snowblowing and shoveling and then watched the first Harry Potter after the second round of snowblowing and more shoveling and a very very long nap for my two boys. One of my boys has a bit more hair than the other! No room left for me on the couch.

Tomorrow, more snow. More board games. Keeping a four year old entertained indoors isn't easy. Though he did ride his bike in the driveway today! Only my child would think a blizzard is a great time to get out his bike.

There are lots of things on my to do list for the house. Some of that can get done tomorrow too. Small repairs, patching up some nail holes, and painting a couple areas. I debate whether to sell the house this year. I love my home and realize I always have. I love my bedroom, how I have it decorated and painted. I love this room and the layout of my house. I would really like another colonial style home. But a single mom with only one child left at home has little use for a colonial style home with so much room. I've been looking at duplexes in the area my family lives in. I think it's likely I'll buy one of those for the short term and live on one side and rent out the other. Then someday maybe I'll rent out both sides. And if I don't have a tenant, well a duplex isn't more than what I currently pay so I know I will be fine financially. Emotionally though. It's going to be difficult.

My Name Isn't Michael

I'm a woman. I was born female and identify as moderately girly and not particularly masculine.

I have been called Michael instead of my given name. I've had men say that I'm intimidating. I've had guys question my sexuality. I've had former partners leave saying they needed to "learn how to be a man again". I've been told I shouldn't hammer down nails on my deck because it's not girly. Well mister, you going to do it for me? Didn't think so... I've been told I shouldn't know what a jig saw or skill saw is, that I shouldn't own my own tile cutter and circular saw. That those are things for men, not for women.

One of my good friends said I intimidate men because I am a capable woman and men don't know what to do with a woman who knows the difference between a phillips and a flathead. I think she's right to a degree. I think there are still a lot of men out there who think women should sit and look pretty and shut up. I'm not that kind of woman. I'm the kind of woman who looks hot holding an ax. I'm the kind of woman who will tell you my opinion on just about anything. And I'm the kind of woman who will call you out for trying to fit me into your stereotypical gender box.

I think all people regardless of their gender identifiers should have some basic knowledge of how to handle stuff. The basics of unclogging a toilet, turning off the water supply, and the difference between screwdrivers. Besides how would a woman change batteries in her kids toys without knowing what kind of screwdriver to use? All the damn things now are screwed down because some kid somewhere ate a damn battery! Whats next. Seriously.

I'm proud of my ability to build a custom closet insert for the kids to have their own locker like space. I'm happy I can sledgehammer down an awful tile shower to save myself hundreds if not a thousand dollars on home repairs. That money is better used elsewhere. I'm grateful I know basic plumbing to put in new sinks and faucets. I like that I know how to use a steamer to remove atrocious wallpaper. It's awesome that I can clean my own gutters. I love that I put in my own carpet. I'm not afraid to use an ax to split a log while wearing a dress and heels (Okay, that day I was wearing flat sandals). I'm glad my dad taught me the basics of doing things for yourself. The ability to do any of those things does NOT make me a man or masculine. It makes me a woman who is capable of handling her shit.

I'm also proud that I can braid my own hair, do my own highlights, organize a dinner for 25 people, host family gatherings, and so many other things. I love dancing, picking out throw pillows, doing fun activities with the kids, getting massages, and so much more. These things don't make me feminine either though. 

There's been lots of times I've had a man in my life. And there's been lots of times I'll ask them to do something for me. Not because I can't do it, but usually because I have no desire to do it. And eventually it seems I end up doing it myself anyway. I'm not the girl who's going to nag you 1,000,000 times to flip the screen to the top of the door and the glass to the bottom. No, I'm the girl that will ask twice then do it my own self. I hate when the kids push on the screen and I have to fix the screen ten times in a summer. And I would love a guy in my life who would see his kids do that and correct it himself. I'd love a guy who would sand the stairs with me. Or put up a fence with me. Or paint the kitchen with me. But they say, no I'm not going to help because I can't do it as well as you. Well how do you think I learned? By doing it myself. And I'd love the help. Or at least someone to hang out with me while I do it myself if it has to be that way.

I feel that the last guy I dated didn't want me to teach his daughter it's okay to use a hammer. He wanted me to paint her nails. I love painting nails. She however is rarely patient enough for that and would rather play cars with my son. I used to do my nails every single Sunday with my daughter. But that doesn't mean I didn't teach my daughter about tools too. I felt that he didn't want his daughter to think it's okay to use a saw and build something for herself. He wanted me to clean the house and do my hair. That's the example I was supposed to be. I'm not your 1950's housewife. I'm not opposed to being a housewife. My day would look like this: Kids to school. Me to the gym. Walk the dog. Get a massage. Clean a bit. See what's needed to be done on the to do list. Mow the lawn. Replace the cabinet handles and latches. Get the kids. Make the dinner. Some days I' might sit on my butt and do nothing. If I were a stay at home wife, my steps would be refinished right now and I'd be working on my hardwood floors next. I'd be at the gym. I'd get my hair done and nails done too. Power tools and painted nails are not mutually exclusive. Though I can't paint my nails because of my job so toenails it has to be ;).

Men who are secure in who they are as a man aren't offended by my ability to use a power tool. Many of them think it's awesome too. Men who think boys shouldn't play the clarinet and should only play the tuba or "manly" instruments are the one's who are intimidated. A secure guy isn't going to feel less of a man because of the instrument he loves. A secure man isn't going to feel less because his woman can fix a sink faster than him. Tubas, trucks, big muscles, and sports don't make a man manly. It's all about attitude and presentation. I can look quite feminine holding that saw. Or I could look masculine holding it depending on my attitude, overall appearance, and how I present myself overall to the world. And a man can look quite feminine bending over the hood of a car to check the oil too. Depends on more factors than what you have hanging between your legs.

My name is Michelle. I am feminine even when holding a circular saw or a 110 lb barbell. I am exactly who I was meant to be.

Putting Life Back Together

Breakups suck.

Yesterday I was officially "alone" in the house. He and his kids are moved out and it was just me and my little guy. Going from four kids running around to just one kid chilling out... it was a bit eerie. Too quiet. I've gotten used to the noise. I can actually sleep through all the kids attempting to murder each other ;). But now they're not here. Now he's not here. I've done this before but this time feels different. Two divorces. One relationship that was on and off before this one that was totally toxic. And one guy I loved but left because he was sacrificing his happiness for mine.

My first night missing half my family was spent having a sleepover with my lil man on the couches. Watching Ghost Busters (the old version) and eating candy till we passed out. Then this morning I had to get busy putting my life back together. Filling the empty spots in the house where their things were and attempting to close the spots in my heart where they all fit. It's not going to be easy to do the latter. The former is easier, less stuff in the kitchen and I can't reach the top shelf so move things down and I can at least open a cupboard without seeing the spaces they were. I know they're not "things" but it was their presence. And now there is this lack of their presence.

I knew this was coming but was hoping it wasn't. I found things had been hidden from me and he couldn't get over a picture behind a picture on the wall. I lost trust when finding out those two things. But then I found out my dog has cancer and one of my very close friends passed very young. So those two things I found out within days of each other had to wait till I processed the more traumatic things. I was hoping we could find a way to rebuild the trust he broke. I was hoping he was willing to do that. I would have given him yet another chance. And for a moment he said what could he do to rebuild trust. Then he was just done. Days went by. Then weeks. Then he said he wished I'd never found out and we would have been just fine which damaged trust further. He never planned to tell me. I felt more and more like two separate families living under one roof. That wasn't okay with me. We were supposed to be making this our family. I had plans before I met him for my future. Then I met him and his family and made plans for our future while he was still just planning his as he said.

My needs weren't being met for stability and emotional security in a relationship. His needs weren't being met either I'm sure. We couldn't talk about expectations and I needed to. I think it's healthy to talk about that. One person can say this is what I need and expect. The next says I can do these things but not those. Then the first person decides whether they can alter their expectations or not and continues or bails. I stated my expectations. I wanted someone who would be part of my family. Someone who would decorate Christmas trees with me. It didn't happen and I didn't "retaliate". I wouldn't do something he asked, said it made me feel controlled and if I did it I'd end up resentful. So then he refused to do something to get back at me. I get done at a standard time and his shifts vary in length day to day. Which meant I never knew when he'd get home. So I couldn't plan our evenings together, couldn't plan dinner, and then there was no choice but to continue my night hoping he would be in a good mood coming home. It wasn't healthy

Despite that there were so many good things. The weekends when we would all be here together doing things with the kids. Them laughing and playing together. He and I sitting together, talking about all the things that were going on in the world. The comfort we felt just being together. The give and take in the kitchen. The companionship that came so easily. The physical contact, the hugs and touching throughout the day. And yes, the sex was amazing. I trusted him completely. And that really hurt when that broke. We enjoyed enough of the same things and had enough differences to work well together. We were great with the kids as a family and we were great with just the two of us when they were with their opposite parents. We took naps on our free weekends. He zoned out watching You Tube while I played Candy Crush next to him. It was easy. We were easy.

Now that's all gone. And I'm left putting my life back together.

My Rules for Sex and Dating

After nearly two years, I'm back!

I've spent 6 years in and out of two relationship. We got together, he broke up with me. I forgave and accepted him back. Took time off. Repeated that process of break ups and reunification with another relationship. I've learned from this and from the history of the relationship before it. Hopefully this will help me to have healthier relationships in the future.

I've had some rules over the past years and I think they're important.

Sex Rules:

Rule 1- NEVER sleep with someone if you don't know their last name.
Rule 2- NEVER sleep with someone your friends have dated or are dating/married to.
Rule 3- NEVER sleep with someone that is friends with your ex.

Those are the firm three.

Rule 4- Know someone for three months before sex.
Rule 5- If you can't talk about birth control and STD's, no banging allowed.

Those are more gray. Sometimes you really connect with someone, like my last partner. And it was closer to 6 weeks. But without a three month rule maybe I'd only make three days. Haha. And birth control, I was on it so we didn't talk about it but the STD rule, definitely. I didn't get this far in life to pick up something now. You need to know so you can make the necessary precautions and choices.

Dating Rules:

Rule 1- if you text/call/contact 3 times with no response in the early dating phase without a response, take the hint and walk away. And if he texts you days later, he's not worth your time. The other woman he was texting probably fell thru so now he's back to you.
Same goes if you're the only one initiating conversation in early dating. Take that as his way of not showing interest but being to nice to just ghost you.
Rule 2- if he ghosts you don't waste your time when months later when he finally sends a random hook up text. Block and move on.
Rule 3- Your interests don't have to line up perfect but your morals and general long term goals should. If they don't, save yourself the heartache and move on.
Rule 4- If he says he's deleting his online profile for you and you find out he's active on two more sites, block that guy and walk away. You deserve better!

Firm Dating rules:
Rule 1- First sign of physical abuse, RUN.
Rule 2- First sign of emotional abuse or manipulation, run.
Rule 3- If he's not nice to you then wants to pretend everything is great and gets mad if you call him out on being rude or mean to you, run.

Rules I'm adding to my dating life:

Rule 5- if he breaks up with you for ANY reason (like he uses his zodiac sign as a reason you are not compatible) don't take him back. Don't take any man back. It just teaches them they can treat you however they like and they'll still have someone to fall back on. Don't be their back up plan.
Rule 6- Break up immediately if someone withhold serious life information. Like if after months or years he says, "hey babe forgot to tell you about a whole 'nother family". RUN. "Oops, forgot to mention I'm married". RUN. Just run. It's one thing to be like hey forgot to mention my ex and I went to this location you want to go to for vacation because I didn't want to hurt your feelings versus withholding information about his family circumstances, criminal history, and serious life events. If he said he was only married once and you find out it was twice... Run then too. That's a serious breach of ethics.

With all that said and done for now, it'll be a long while before I date again. I need to get my house in order to sell and move closer to where my family is. That's my priority. I took quite some time off dating before this relationship too and it's time to do that again. So no, I'm not free market material here. I'm not interested in casual sex. And I have no desire to start any relationship anytime soon.

There's Beauty in Every Day

Sometimes it's just hard to see it. Most of us are overworked, over stressed, and over tired. Some of us are dealing with extremely stressful situations; the loss of a family member, chronic pain, mental illness, financial insecurity... the list goes on. But regardless of how craptastic our lives sometimes get, there really is something beautiful to be seen every day.

Every day on my way to work I drive about an hour. Most days I can appreciate how beautiful the sky is and ignore all the factories and businesses lining the highway. Even at work, I sit here and see the bridge going over the river and the water rippling under it. Or just glancing up at night on my drive home (second shift) and seeing the stars and moon.

But I am very thankful that I have some really beautiful trails I can walk as well. Here's a couple recent pictures :).

 These first two are from the Fox River Trail. It's just an easy trail to run because it's so wide. Taking the large jogging stroller and the dog is easy when passing people.





And this one is from the East River Trail. I even got to see some people Kayaking along the river on this day. It was absolutely beautiful out. I ran four miles on the first trail, and three miles on this one. Just perfect days this past week!





I know sometimes it's difficult to find anything good in a day. Sometimes the world seems dark and horrible and sad. And sometimes it doesn't always seem worth getting out of bed in the morning, but I promise it is. Six months ago it was really really hard for me to see anything good in any day yet every day I actively tried to find something happy and beautiful. Well, I see my awesome kids and they're beautiful but something outside my own life. And looking outside our own lives to find something that shines a little bit to you really helps keep this whole thing we're doing in perspective.

Life Plans? Haha

Is there ever really a plan? I'm not so sure.

I have plans. I have plans to get in super awesome shape. I took a little over a week off with the vacation and a really excessive amount of yard work. Plan was back to it today but we had a parents group event that could NOT be missed! It was the Big Rig Gig in a city really close to us. Lil man got to "drive" semi's, a fire truck, dump truck, garbage truck, and even a police car! He had a great time climbing in and out of all the cool trucks. We missed going in the Humvee but he was way more interested in the semi's.

So tomorrow right? Back to the gym? But nope, I'm doing something way more important. Bringing my son to see his brother. I can't wait for them to have some time together! With their dad being basically absent they really don't see each other ever. It's good that my son's brother's mother wants to hang out with us too! 

Saturday night maybe. After little guy goes to bed, it's pole time for me. Put on the music and just dance. Especially now that my skin is feeling much better from last weekend! A bit burned on the belly, thighs, and chest. No peeling yet so I think I'm in the safe zone :). 

And I have plans to be financially ok. Which is sort of the case. I owe a private loan of a lot of money and a slight amount on my medical that would have been paid off first I didn't have my car break down twice in the last couple months and secondly I could have not gone on my very much needed vacation. 

And I have relationship goals. Well I've had relationship goals since I was 5. And that's probably the most significantly stressful part of life. There is one person in charge of my workout routine generally other than the small ways of activities getting in the way. There is really only one person in charge of my finances other than the unpredictable breakdowns on the car or random home repairs. But there is one thing you will never ever fully know, the mind and heart of another person. I want safety and security in a relationship. And hopefully that is how things will play out but really even after ten years with one person I thought would always be there, he left without warning. Everything can seem doable to you when the other person just wants to walk away because that's what's easier to them. I want what most people want. To wake up next to someone who loves you as much as you love them every single day. Someone who drives you nuts in all the right ways and puts up with your pet peeves and knows the little things that make you smile. Someday maybe. Until then, dating will suck and I'll keep planning my life around me.

Weekend Getaway!

This past weekend was Mothers Day weekend and I'd been having a pretty stressful time about a month ago dealing with an absent father for my son so I decided we'd take a trip away to escape Wisconsin for just a bit :).

We went to Carlsbad, California. We spent a day in San Diego at the zoo and we spent a ton of time sitting next to the ocean the rest of the time! Lil Man loved the sand and the waves. He kept running from them so they wouldn't touch his toes and get his feet wet. And he climbed on the rocks pretending to be a dinosaur and named one of the rocks Petrie for his favorite Land Before Time character.

The little guy was amazing the whole time. He cried twice, when he hurt his knee and when I made him eat the lunch he asked for :). Kids, they're funny sometimes. He has been the easiest traveling companion I've ever traveled with. I don't know that I've ever met such a laid back and easy going kid. And having only a two year old to talk to I was expecting to be really burned out by that by the time we flew back and I wasn't. Did help that I have some awesome friends who texted with me on Saturday! But truly he and I were so busy just enjoying the weekend I didn't have lots of time to text or chat with friends anyway.

This was probably the best weekend I've had in months if not years! I loved my trip in September with my parents but that was before surgery where everything still hurt. This is my first pain free vacation and just being able to fully enjoy it was more than I ever expected I'd be able to do again. I was able to chase my son on the beach and run through the waves with him. At the zoo I decided to forgo a stroller and carried him on my back and shoulders when he didn't want to walk. Things I couldn't have done before. Short months ago even when I was sleeping I was still aware of being in pain. And now this, it really just makes me realize how lucky I am to have a second chance to be alive basically. And I plan to continue to enjoy my life much more and see more of the world than I have before. And I'll see the world alone if I need to, I shall not be stopped!

Here's just a couple pics of us...

At the zoo

Just before Sunset

Pool Cleaning, Getting Ready for Summer

It's been kind of a nice week and I haven't been able to sleep in the mornings anyway so I figured I'd get a head start on cleaning the pool. It looks so pretty doesn't it! The chemicals mixing with the water made it turn a bit frothy. 

The cover is torn in so many places that it's pretty much useless so the process usually starts with scooping leaves out of the pool for about a week at least. Then adding chemicals. But it just smelled SO BAD! So I added the chemicals first and at least now it doesn't stink :). The chemicals I added I'll basically have to re-add anyway once the leaves are actually out. I usually start this a little later in May to have it opened up by the first week in June and I'm glad I started a little early. The algae isn't nearly as bad on the leaves as I'm scooping them out as it usually is. I'll be working on this thing tomorrow too. 

Thursday though, forget it! Only thing I'm doing Thursday before work is packing for my trip to San Diego! I can't wait! I'm absolutely thrilled to be going :). I wish I had someone going with me though. Next time :). The lack of adult conversation for four days is going to be rough. But the break from work and home is much needed! Last night was absolutely awful at work. I kind of never wanted to return... 

I haven't made it to the gym at all this week. It's been too nice outside to want to be indoors. I'll probably be taking off the rest of the week at the gym too and start back up once I'm back from San Diego. I'll start my new routine then since I'm kind of bored with this one already :(. I'll do a six day per week plan with three days indoors and three days outdoors with no set day each so it'll depend on the weather. One day will probably be swimming instead of three like I've been doing since week six post op unless my pool ever gets warm enough for me to swim in the back yard!

Long Week About to End!

This week has been super long it seems. I've been a bit overwhelmed and stressed about the situation with my son's dad. I missed the gym twice this week. And I just feel so tired. I'm eating fine and drinking a ton of water but I think the stress and uncertainty are taking their toll a bit more this week than usual.

I didn't do my 15 week post op post since I had something more important to say and probably wont do the weekly updates anymore since I'm pretty much feeling like I never had surgery for the past couple weeks. I feel amazing! Well, I am amazing if I do say so myself ;). And other than the weight limit there's nothing really to update and even that will be a long time before there's any change.

I'm looking into what to do for my following six weeks after I finish this program in two weeks. I'd kind of like to do some jump training. I feel like this six weeks should be done already! Not that I'm bored with it because how can one ever get bored of kettlebells? I like that part pretty much best. Just has been a few very busy and very emotionally difficult few weeks. Seeing Kara, personal relationship issues, and then the situation with my son's dad. The next six weeks better be much better than the last six weeks!

Nothing to exciting going on at home. Bathroom was the last big project and now I can relax for a bit before figuring out how much the next one will cost me. And thankfully that project is not inside my house! So it'll be a much cleaner project. Well, two projects; the gutters and then repairing the porch roof.

I'm hoping for a fun filled weekend with friends and a bit of family :).

Being a Parent

This past Friday I was home with my son. A cute 2 1/2 year old little boy. It was my spring cleaning day and I was cleaning the spare room. The room my sons dad used to use when he lived with us.

My lil guy was in there with me and found something his dad had left behind and said "this is daddy's". He wanted to keep it so since it was breakable we hung it from a nail in his wall in his room. After we hung it up  he started crying and asked when he was going to see his daddy. It was completely heartbreaking. I didn't have an answer for him. The only thing I can tell him is I don't know. Because I don't. I have no idea when his dad will decide that he feels an inclination to see his son.

After he started crying he wanted to go sit in the room that his dad used to stay in. So there we were on the bed in the spare room, my little guy still crying and me hugging him telling him it was ok and rubbing his tiny little back. He calmed down after a little bit and I asked him if he wanted to go play. He said he wanted his cars and he wanted to stay in the room. So I brought him his two cars and he wouldn't leave the room. He just sat there on the bed, still sad but no more tears, playing with his cars.

I've tried to get his dad to see him regularly. He refuses. He tells me I just need to "work with him". You can't work with someone who is basically completely absent. My son needs his dad no matter what kind of person his dad is. And I think it's horrible that all his dad sees is my son's excitement when he finally sees his dad and doesn't have to see the tears in between when he doesn't come around for months. The long gaps and the sudden visits are the most horrible thing his dad can do to him. His dad lives less than 40 min from us and I'd be more than willing to bring him one way or even both just so my son could be happy. But his dad needs to "get his life together" he says and then he'll be ready to see his son. Parenting doesn't work that way. You're a parent whether your life is 100% perfect or 100% a mess or somewhere in between. You don't get to pick anymore.

 

 

 

3/24/2018

Update on this post.

My lil guy sees his dad every other weekend now. From Friday till Sunday late afternoon. To get this agreement I waived child support. My son's wellbeing is more important than any dollar amount. Some days are rough, paying for all his expenses without assistance, but I'll manage. His dad is still difficult to work with but hopefully as this guy gets older he'll step up to bringing him to swimming lessons and sports practices and games. So far as long as I don't ask his dad to do anything other than spend time with him that he sometimes sleeps through, everything is fine. There's no bedtime there and structure sucks. I worry while they're together but my son no longer cries because Daddy didn't show up. It's about as much progress as can be made. 

Little Girls Room

Throw back, found these pictures and had to share them :). 

Over the course of about 40 hours I did this room, first I painted everything white, then I used painters tape to make the grid. Then I painted white over the painters tape to seal it well so the other colors wouldn't bleed through under the tape. 

Then I used a notebook to make a template of the squares to randomly place colors where they wouldn't be same color next to each other. Painted all those and then finally eventually was able to remove the tape. Still needs the crown molding though! I've since repainted the room to re-purpose as a guest room and it still doesn't have the crown molding :). Now it needs to be repainted anyway because it's my son's room and he needs boy colors in there. 

Things I'd change if I had to do it all over again, I'd probably paint three walls a solid color and use only three colors for the squares. Four walls of squares is time consuming AND a little busy. But my daughter loved it for a lot of years. 

Two Days of Bad Workouts

Yesterday was my swimming day and the water was so warm. I could barely do the tempo swims, my return lap was 23-24. Usually it's closer to 19-20, 21 max when I get tired toward the end. So halfway through the mile I switched and just did some sidestroke and backstroke.

Today was weight lifting day and I just couldn't do it. I got in there and did the first half of the weight lifting and just felt too drained to do the other half. I think I didn't drink enough water yesterday. I feel just more tired than I should because I slept well last night so probably lack of fluids. Upping the fluids today and I'm going to try to do the rest of what I missed this morning for the weights and then get my mile tempo swim in. That and I'm still mildly emotional, had to make another tough decision regarding my personal life and that's weighing on me today too besides the lingering emotions from the past weekend.

My work life however is about to improve! There was a meeting yesterday and I'm switching to days, which we knew since last September but I am apparently irreplaceable ;). But finally my replacement is here, still a student, and still will need to be trained on my shift. By June 27th it sounds like she should be taking over my shift if all goes as planned. And I can't wait! Days!!! It'll be a huge change for me and I have a pretty set morning schedule so reorganizing my day will be interesting. After over 5 years on this shift I feel like it's changing my entire lifestyle to switch to days. That and with switching my personal relationships may become more involved. Working the same shift as my family, meeting with them at night, I expect to be much busier. Now when I want to go to the gym everyone's working so no one is asking to see me or hang out. That will change with this. It'll be nice to see friends more hopefully that I've not been able to see very regularly for awhile though! And I'll just have to utilize my basement more for my weight lifting workouts after my little man goes to bed.

14 Weeks Already?! And Adoption

I don't even know where the last week went. Seriously I jumped from 12-13-14 without really noticing it! Training plan is at a standstill for weights basically. I'm at where I'll be for a little bit.

Quick update, everything's great :). Right paraspinals are still getting occasionally sore and some mild right sacroilliac irritation but that's much better after seeing my Sports Chiropractor Guy the past two Mondays. Not much change from week 13 so lets get to the rest of my life!

Missed the gym a couple times in the past week, family time comes first. I had my biological daughter this weekend. I am a biological mother in an open adoption. In Wisconsin open adoptions are not legally binding. When I birthed my daughter and placed her into the arms of another mother I had to hope that they would keep up with what they agreed to. And they have gone above and beyond that.

For the past couple years twice a year I've had my biological daughter in my home overnight WITHOUT her parents! Yes, you read that right. I can truthfully say I've never heard of this situation with minor adoptees happening with any of the other biological or adoptive parents that I associate with. Having all my kids under one roof is emotionally overwhelming. It's truly amazing and surreal and at the same time very sad. I know the next day she goes home, to her parents. Her real parents, the one's that raised her and taught her all she knows and took care of her when she got hurt and sick. I've missed those things and seeing her in my home reminds me of the things I never got to do with her. That pain of that reminder is no where near the joy of seeing her laugh and smile and drive her big sister crazy and chase her little brother around the house. I am very grateful that I get to have these moments with her. She got to chill with  her cousins too and hang with the grandparents. She met her paternal grandfather for the first time.

It usually takes me a couple days to emotionally recover from seeing her, even when we didn't keep her overnight. Not just because I'm sad, but because I'm happy too. I know that she is who she is because of the decision all her parents made nearly 12 years ago. Us and them. They chose this path as did we and we share an amazing little girl because of it.

No More Pictures Mom!!

Post Op 13 Weeks!

The usual weekly update...

Brief history, microdiscectomy on L5-S1 for a 1.5 cm herniation and bulging disc on Jan 5 of this year.

The tempo swims are going awesome. I'm getting the half lap back done in 20 seconds or less typically. I really hope for an awesome under 30 minute mile when I do my next mile swim for time. I would need to shave about 7 seconds per lap to do that and I think that will be very close to do-able :).

The weights are going well. The SHELCS are killing my hamstrings and my balance still isn't great coming back down from those but I'll get there. The hip weakness on the right makes the balance a bit off. It's really close, close enough on the step ups and doing pretty much everything else, but trying to lower my booty back to the ground when doing those requires pretty good control with both hips equally. That is not yet the case.

Continuing with the 40 lb assist on the pullup/dips but soon I'll be upping from three sets of six to three sets of eight.

And kettlebells, day one I had a couple kettlebell kisses but it'd been months since I did snatches. Since the first day no more bruised wrists!

I'm running two miles now, it's difficult definitely but last nights two mile run was much easier than the mile and a half last week. I might also be better hydrated, really trying to keep up on that particularly when running after work.

Other random things I'm down a full 14 lbs since my surgery. To go to what I've always considered my "normal" is now only 5-7 lbs away (varied day to day by those couple pounds). Very exciting! I'll be trying on the clothes I have stored very soon! My wonderful sister will be telling me what to keep and what to toss. She's awesome!

I've still had a little bit of lower back pain, still I think lingering from the shoveling the other day. But much MUCH improved and now not so bad in the mornings, only after I start doing things. I thought maybe it was the running, but last night running made absolutely no difference so shoveling it must have been. I could really go for an awesome massage though! Really miss those.

Weekend!

It's going to be an insanely busy one but I'm excited for it anyway!

By the end of this weekend my bathroom WILL be done. At any cost, even if I don't sleep at all. Sort of like last weekend. I'm also meeting my bff for dinner Saturday and stopping by my sisters. Sunday meeting someone new and we'll see how that goes.

I didn't manage to get my second tempo swim of the week done today, exhaustion set in and I spent my morning watching cartoons with the little man on the couch. Tomorrow though after bringing my car to the shop I'll be heading to the gym. Thankfully it's in walking distance! And I'll be hoping it doesn't take all day to get finished. Or too expensive. My San Diego trip needs my cash not by car!

I missed my run last night too, my mile and a half. So I'll be doing that after work tonight. I ended up getting out of work about 40 min late. And that 40 min is a huge difference when working second shift till 11pm. But then I stayed up too late watching netflix in bed on my phone. Working on the Daredevil season two.

Tonight my run and depending on how tired I am, get caught up on some housecleaning for a few minutes. At least get the dishes done and the living room vacuumed would be a good start.

And my lower back is feeling much better tonight. Since the heavy snow this past Thursday it's been a bit sore. A whole week later and finally mostly relief :).

I hope you all have a good weekend too. I'll hopefully be less tired for my next update and have something worthwhile to talk about!

12 Weeks Post Op

And the general update, mild low back pain this past couple days but thinking it's because of the bathroom project and doing a lot of leaning forward while cutting and laying the floor to fit.

I did some research as well as met with a Sports Medicine Chiropractor about the weight lifting. He said at the 12 week point he's ok with me upping the weights about 10% when I increase them. The research I was doing says generally that when the scar on the outside of the body turns white then the scars on the inside on the annulus will be as healed as they're going to be, too. Online recommendations say to stay with no more than 50 lbs with weight lifting until that point. So I'm going to play it safe and even though the sports med guy said it's safe now. I'm going to stick with more single leg lifts like the split squats on this current routine so I can lift that weight for longer and still build strength. 

This week I'm allowed to run a mile and a half. I broke it up last night into three half mile's taking a minute or two between. Tomorrow night I'll do a full mile and then Saturday a full mile and a half. I figure the middle run each week I'll do at the prior week's distance. As I increase distance I'll have to adjust for a short run mid week anyway. 

Awesome news, I got my swim suits in the mail today! I can put the faded one in the bottom of the bin and the stretched out one in the garbage. Hoping these two hold up well and if they do, I'll be buying from the same company online again. They fit great. Final test will be how well the straps hold up in the water. And I can't wait for the two bikini's I ordered to arrive for my vacation :). Here they are!

Bathroom Remodel

Busy weekend this past weekend!

I had two events to attend Saturday as well as my usual appointment with the gym. Got home and after putting the little man to bed decided to paint the walls. Then the next morning I had a friend help pick up my flooring and then before meeting family for Easter I put up the mirrors and lights.

Meeting family for Easter was at a buffet where I ate WAY more than I should. Healthy options mostly though! Then off to the store for a few things and back home I decided to work on the pattern for the flooring. Little guy was really helpful by stepping on the paper I was trying to tape together for my pattern :). Got it downstairs and taped it to the sheet vinyl I'd purchased. Cut it to the pattern and then got my little dude down for bed. Once he was sleeping, put the floor in. Not nearly as hard as tile. About as easy as carpet with backing already attached. Lots of clean up left to do and the toilet is still in my garage... Also need to do the baseboards yet so that'll be next weekend if all goes as planned. Then maybe I can get caught up on cleaning my house!

Here's the before, when I decided I had to take a sledgehammer to the damn custom shower that I couldn't stand...

And here's a couple after:

I started the tempo swim training in the gym today. Six weeks without a mile time to check is going to be hard! Well, I did a mile, but with the tempo training it's 1.5 laps breast stroke, half lap back all out front crawl. I was making it to the other side of the pool consistently in 20 seconds or so. I'll up the front crawl as my lungs and strength accommodate the all out pace I'm doing. That'll be every Monday. Wednesday is water aerobics and Friday is the next tempo day though I'll be mixing it up a little. Half lap breast stroke, half lap front crawl for form- so a slower pace. Then half lap breast stroke and half lap all out front crawl. I don't want to decrease my stroke length or sacrifice form for more strokes per second. 

San Diego!

I've got my trip booked, going to San Diego for an extremely reasonable price in a few weeks! Can't wait! I've been wanting to go for at least 5 years. Planned with people and it always fell through. Well, I'm going! Me and my little guy are going to see the ocean and have a relaxing few days away from home.

I know I have other things I should be spending my money on. Or saving it. I've kind of come to realize every time I get caught up something else happens or there's another project. So, all future projects are on hold and I'm going to take my trip! And after my trip I'll worry about the financial repercussions. I can afford it but I don't like having debt. And I don't have a credit card so this is all being bankrolled by yours truly. I really should get a credit card for the trip though. Just in case I need one for rentals or other things. I don't want much of a limit. My current credit cards are store cards and gas cards with the gas card having the highest balance I'm sure. They all get paid off monthly but this month, I'm thinking it'll be a minimum payment month so I have extra cash for the trip. Only big debts I have is my house and a consolidation loan and I know I can get caught up on the rest of the cards pretty quickly if I don't take on any more large household projects and my car doesn't break down again!

In preparation for this trip I'll be switching to a fairly strict Paleo eating plan. I've always cheated with an ounce of cheese on my salads and that wont change. I'd really like to be as fit as I'm able if I'm going to be wearing a bikini for 3 days. My workout is also changing. I was supposed to switch next Tuesday but now that I have the new plan I'm too excited to wait and I'm switching tomorrow to my new plan.

New Plan:
3 days per week
Super Set 1: Side Lunges and Bulgarian split squats 3 sets 8 reps
Super Set 2: Incline press and Upright Rows 3 sets 8 reps
Super Set 3: Pull ups and Dips on the assist machine with 40 lbs assist 3 sets 6 reps.

Then off to the Kettlebell for 5 min of Get-ups. Then three ladders 5-4-3-2-1 of KB snatches. Because that's what my rant was all about the other day :).

Swimming x3 days per week. Monday and Friday tempo swims and Wednesday an easy swim or water aerobics.

Monday and Thursday after work running. Wednesday after work Pole Dance Party! And Friday after work Boxing. And one last run on Saturday.

Sunday and Wednesday are my "rest" days. Technically Tuesday evening till Wednesday evening is rest other than the super easy swim. And my Sunday will include Total Yoga by Gaiam.

The Snatch

This post, all about my old friend the kettlebell. A bit of back history, a girl I had in classes has a husband who is a personal trainer. I demonstrated KB swings, snatches, cleans and presses, TGU’s, and stuff a while back. Apparently her hubby (who has never as far as I understand picked up a KB) feels that kettlebells are dangerous, particularly the snatch because of the “risk” of hyperextension.

So, here I am to say that a kettlebell snatch is safe and quite unlikely to cause hyperextension. In fact, in my half hour internet search I couldn’t find one documented (or even commented in passing) case of hyperextension of the shoulder with a snatch. My classmates husband decided he didn’t like them because of a description she gave of the KB snatch. A mere description of an exercise is really not a good way to decide safety. As a former physical therapist assistant myself, I’m a tad disappointed that a person would decide KB snatches are unsafe without any research of a quite well versed exercise. The KB snatch has been around for centuries. I think it’s going on it’s three hundredth year. If they were so very unsafe, I think by now we’d have a quite a bit of evidence to prove that.

Why is a snatch safe? Well, any exercise can be unsafe, just use weight that’s too heavy for you to control (like a guy who did an overhead press with a barbell, dropped it on himself and snapped his upper arm in half). The kettlebell snatch doesn’t  pose much risk of breaking the humerus in the arm. If a person can’t control the bell, the best thing to do is let go of the handle. Unlike other weights, because of the swinging motion, it’s unlikely to drop down onto your arm if you let go. 

In fact, I accidentally let go once and it flew about 8 ft then bounced off a wall and landed on my tiled floor. Being made of iron, yes it did break the tile. But I was unhurt :). 

With the snatch, if the arm were to start to hyperextend letting go is option one. But the chance of hyperextension is nearly non existent in my mind. First of all, when swinging the bell up to snatch it, there is a slight bend in the elbow at the top of the arc. Hard to hyperextend the shoulder when the upper arm is not more than perpendicular to the body. That’s only 90 degree’s of 180 degrees of normal extension. Once the upper arm is about perpendicular to the body, instead of continuing the swing, the arm shoots upward as if punching toward the ceiling. Again hard to hyperextend when the arm is shooting upward and not arcing backward.

So, in closing, the kettlebell snatch doesn’t pose much (if any) risk of hyperextension. So, snatch away 

Snowing Again

So I live in Wisconsin. Which means one day it's 60 degrees and the next we're having a blizzard. Yay!

What that really means for me is that the schools will probably be closed in my area which means no childcare at the gym. What to do with the little person? I'll be working out at home I'm sure. I have all I need to do my full workout at home. Just takes longer because the lil man gets underfoot and wants to play. He has his own area in the basement but he wants to play with me and lift weights with me and hit the boxing bag with me too.

Which on another note, I ordered kid boxing gloves for my lil guy and a blow up boxing bag. It should be here in about another week and then he can box with me and hopefully wont be so bored during my workouts. Working out with him when he was smaller was easy. Just toss him in his play area and he'd happily play alone. Now though, he's at the age he wants someone to be playing with him. I'll give him tons of attention before hand and hope I can get my workout done in an hour and a half.

I'm considering at week 12 to also switch to a mostly paleo eating plan. The food in my house is basically this anyway so it wont be too much of a change. I'll miss my occasional donut and my tortilla chips. My "cheat" will be one ounce of cheese a day just like last time. And last time I never cut the Diet Pepsi. This time, that will be gone too. I was an addict, seriously. The Diet Pepsi was at 3 Liters a day at one point. At the end of last year even it was still close to 2 liters a day. Now I have one soda a day but not even every day anymore. It's time to cut it completely except for family gatherings and going out to dinner.

Hoping for a good drive home tonight in the foot of snow!